To me personally, there are two important questions in life.
“Who are you?” And “What do you want in life?” I do think that those questions go together. Because if you don’t know yourself, you can’t figure out what you want. And I do expect that frome someone I’d have a relationship with. But, as always, mostly I expect the answers from myself.
It’s way easier said than done, I know. Believe me, I do. I think that most of the time (or in most parts of my life) I know who I am. And what I want in life. Now, obviously, we aren’t perfect. And sometimes I find myself not knowing anything at all. Especially when I act differently than I would expect myself to. And when it comes to certain situations (or people) and I don’t know what I want. I hate this, I really do. And I struggle with that sometimes. But then I realized something.
You know, I don’t like people saying “I need to find myself”. Like you’d go the park next door with a map in your hand and suddenly you know what you never knew – who you are. That’s stupid. Happiness and self-worth doesn’t exist on one specific place. It exists in yourself. You don’t need to find yourself. You already know where you are. You need to figure yourself out and you need to decide who you want to be. Who we are as people, good or bad, introverts or extroverts, happy or sad, is nothing that’s set in stone somewhere. It’s a decision. It’s your choice. And that never changes. Speaking of things that never change -let’s talk about Essence.
I heared about it for the first time in the Netflix show “Atypical”. (Which you must watch btw.) They said “The essence of a person is what stays true about them in every situation.”
This sentence stuck with me. For a while now actually. And it made me realize that who we are, doesn’t always stay the same. It changes. Except some part of it. Your essence. And I wondered, what my essence would be. What stays true about me in every situation. At first I couldn’t come up with anything. And then, as usual, I came up with what used to bother me the most. I always think too much. About every situation and in every situation. But since I’m trying to be a more positive person (lol), I wanted at least one good thing. And I thought about. I guess it’s the fact that you can always count on me. No matter what, reliability is always a part of me.
Then I continued thinking (because I guess it’s part of my essence) and thought, but what about my character? Isn’t our character what defines us?
Well, yes and no. Our character defines us, maybe not as much as our essence but still. But the good thing about character is that it changes. It develops and grows with us.
It really used to bother me, but it really is such an amazing thing. I used to be a really dramatic, stressful and always-looking-for-an-argument, kind of jealous person. And I can hear my friends laughing in the backround, because YES I’m still dramatic. And stressed. But I grew so much during the last years that I know, that not every actions needs a reaction from me. That I don’t need to freak out about everything, but rather talk about things. And it’s so amazing, that I can see myself growing and my character going with it. And I hope that it will never stop.
Still, there situations in life where we act really differently than we usually would or want to. And that’s what I like to call Attitude.
I guess my attitude is what I most struggle with and what makes me questioning myself the most. Because my Attitude mostly depends on other people and how I’m feeling around them. And that makes me feel like I’m being a push-over. When it’s perfectly normal to not be the same every day.
Like, with my friends. They know me and they know my character with all good and bad parts and they know who I am. But lets take a new group of people. Or a birthday party where you know only one person. There are people, who walk in and own a room. And I’d love to be that person ( but my social anxiety has someting to say about that). But even these people who just walk in and you just know that they are there, even those act differently sometimes. Maybe just in the opposite way. They get even louder and communicative the more quiet everybody else gets.
And, believe it or not, I can be that person. Even tho I might not feel like I can be my true self in this room. But my attitude doesn’t only depend on others, but also on my mood and how much I want to be myself today. There are different versions of us, depending on our attitude. And that’s completely fine.
Attitude is a funny thing because with the right one, our life can be so much more fun. But the thing about attitude is that it can change fast. And not every attitude fits every situation or day.
In the end, I think I know who I am and what I want. And some days, I don’t. And from every situation, where I didn’t like how I was presenting myself, I’ve learned exactly who I don’t want to be. And that’s great to know too. Deep down I know what stays true about me. What my friends appreciate about me but most importantly what I appreciate about myself.
And even if sometimes I don’t know the answers to those two questions – I know I have a choice to decide for myself.
You always have a choice.
And sometimes not knowing is ok too. I don’t always need to know everything. (Ok maybe I do, but that’s because it’s part of my essence. Or my dramatic attitude. Or my zodiac sign. Who knows.)
But knowing that I know who I am and what I want and accepting that this might change, but that’s ok too – that gives me some peace of mind.
Love, Lea ♡