Who am I? That’s question I’ve started to ask myself a long time ago. And I wrote about it before – how it’s important to know who we are, that it’s ok (or amazing) to change and to know what we want.
People who know me would probably say a lot of things that I am – that might be true or not. One thing is that I’m ‘smart’. I’d agree with that. So, I will start of with saying that about me before I’ll roast myself for the rest of this post.
I’ve had a really weird week. Like really strange-don’t-wanna-do-that-ever-again kind of week. People react to stressful situations differently. Some people become calm and stop talking. Others just don’t get stressed. And others (and with others I mean myself) just freak out and completely lose their shit – besides being ‘smart’.
This week I got confronted with a version of myself that I thought I’ve lost three years ago. I’ve acted like a bitch to be honest. Dramatic. Pessimistic. Self-pitying. And I reminded myself of someone I didn’t want to be anymore.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all here for the drama and that’s totally part of who I am. But that was a new level. Actually, it was an old one. An old pattern of behaviour. I became all those things I didn’t wanna be ever again. And then I just got annoyed by myself. Everything I did and everything I thought pissed me off. But something good came out of this – actually three things.
The first one is nothing new but so important. When my friends would tell me this story about theirselves I would tell them to not be so hard on themselves. That new and difficult situations are allowed to freak us out. That you are allowed to feel that way and to react however you want to – freak out, be quiet, scream. Whatever makes you feel better. But when it comes to myself I expect me to act perfectly. Whatever that might be. So maybe instead of stressing and hating myself so much about being stressed in the first place, I (or we) should talk to ourselves the same forgiving way we talk to others. Because I’ve got so much understanding for others – why not start having that for myself?
The second thing is that we don’t only deserve to be proud of all the things we are and we’ll become, but also at those things and version of ourselves that we didn’t become. I used to say a lot “I’m afraid to become like “insert name here” ” or “I don’t wanna be this hateful or annoyed person”. But the fear of becoming a certain way is actually really good. Fear warns us. It keeps us awake towards (often irrational) but sometimes important things or situations. So, instead of feeling defeated by this fear of becoming someone we don’t wanna be, we can use this feeling to be more awake towards our one actions. And you can start with calling it awareness instead of fear. How about that?
And the one last thing that gives me some peace at night (just kidding I don’t sleep lol) – even tho how I acted last week reminded me a lot of this old version of myself that I try so hard not to be, it wasn’t the exact same one. When I acted like that years ago, I didn’t know that my behaviour was not only unnecessary and stupid but also not who I actually am. And that, lovely people, is called self-awarness. And I didn’t have that back then. That doesn’t mean that you can act like a complete asshole all the time and be like “oh yeah I know that was stupid. I’m so sorry.” But it means that the next time I find myself in a similar situation, I’ll maybe figure that out before completely losing it. Or maybe the time after that. Or after that. And it also means that I didn’t fall back. I didn’t fail. Because I realized and was aware of what happened. And that is new and so much more of who I am today.
The important thing is, we can only change and become the people we want to be, when we know who we don’t wanna be as much as where we actually wanna go.
Oh and don’t be so hard on yourself. The goals is never perfectionism but awareness. Give yourself credit for the amazing person you are but also be proud of all those things you didn’t become. And of all those “negative” things you are sometimes in some situations – but those are not things that define you.
Maybe we should all talk to ourselves the way we talk to our friends. With compassion and love and understanding instead of expecting unrealistic goals of ourselves.
If I would do that I’d tell myself to stop writing in the middle of the night and go to bed at a reasonable hour.
But how perfect would I be, if I’d start taking my own advice? (And if I’d be able to parallel park. But who the fuck is capable of that any way?)
Love, Lea. ♡