Three months ago I said I would start a new “series”. Well, it’s been three months and this post went down so far in my drafts that I kind of forgot about it. (Or maybe it’s because of my amazing procrastination skills. Or maybe because times is running reaaally fast. Or maybe both.)
Anyway, I said that I would call it “The Art of: …” and write about all those things I don’t like about myself (really easy) but I’ll turn them into something good. And since that is kind of easy to write (and it’s already past midnight and I should go to sleep before the birds in front of my window wake up again) I’ll finally take on the second part of my “concept”.
The Art of: being too much.
I feel like most people feel like they are “too less”. Not worth certain relationships, not good enough for their jobs or just not able to give it 100% all the time. And I do feel like this too (because why have only one anxiety when you can have a thousand different ones) but most times in my life I just felt like I was too much.
I talk too much (and too fast). I want too much attention. I have too many expectations. I think too much. I feel to much. I am too dramatic. I care too much. I dream too much. I spend too much time in my thoughts. (I certainly don’t get too much sleep. Because why use your anxiety for something good lol?) I am too much to handle. In general – I am just too much.
I struggled (or still do sometimes) with that a lot. Because I always tried to act different than I was. I always tried to be the perfect amount of everything. Until I kind of lost myself in that moment. Because when you start acting like someone you are not and keep all those things to yourself, you’ll burst at some point. All those emotions come out all at once and that is too much. For people around you because they don’t get it and for yourself, because even you can’t understand why you’d act like that. And I wondered – how much do I have to change myself to be the perfect amount of everything? Well, I don’t.
First of all (and again) there is no perfect amount to be. Because people are soooo different. Some can handle a lot, others just can’t and can only deal with themselves. And that’s fine too. But you don’t have to change your behaviour for the expectations of others. (Like ever.) And when people around you make you feel like you are too much, well maybe you should start to rethink those relationships. And the second thing is maybe I am too much for some people. Maybe I care too less for others. Because that’s just who we are. We can’t get along with everybody. But we don’t have to.
What I’ve actually learned from all those years of self-doubt is that I’m not perfect. Sometimes I am way too much. But I’ve learned to distinguish between me just overreacting and when it’s actually pretty good to give too much. I love that I care too much. That I annoy people with asking them if they are ok because I care. I love that I think too much because otherwise I would never write about all those things I do. I love that I dream too much because I wanna do all those great things and want those dreams to become true. I love that I can decide what I spent too much time for. And then, it’s not at all too much. It’s just perfect to me.
Like I’ve said – for some people you’ll be too much. And for others you’ll care too less. But for some you’ll just be the perfect amount of everything. And that really is all that matters in the end.
One of my best friends once said “Maybe you care too much sometimes and I just care too less. But I guess that’s why we fit together so well.” And I think that sums it up pretty good.